Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Jasper and the uncooked Yeast Rolls

I got this from a forum I belong to, and I thought you'd all enjoy it.

Don't know who wrote this story but it sure is funny. The more you
read, the harder you'll laugh!!!

Jasper and the Uncooked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier named Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001
from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are
unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old
child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to
be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only
sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as
he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you
think this is a bad case of 'no discipline', I should tell you that
Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including
locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost
over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the
project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me
out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of
friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was, however,
assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for
the two Th anksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the
electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the
only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I decided to cook the rolls Wednesday evening and reheat them Thursday
morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the
odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin William's latex paint
#586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room
to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to
eat, returning in about an hour.

An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30
p. m.. when I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my
shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and
my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me.
He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the
Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear
even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay,
however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest
of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto
Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say
that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He
was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid
on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the
dog out to relieve himself. Well, the damn dog was as drunk as a sailor
on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt
and most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going one
direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90
degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he
would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small
incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up
running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as
a loon.

I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call
within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in
his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike
most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5
hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up
and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving
meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to
15 minute drive.) Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less the 12 he
ate) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the
car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me
when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS
WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched
or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not
the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like
baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth!

We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't
live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door
locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the
day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and
everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning
with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and
Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12
risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block
up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from
yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared
to leave Karen's house . Having discovered his "packages" on the garage
floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part.

The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop
on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland
cement beginning to set up and cure.. We finally tried to remove it with
a shovel. I (for some reason no one else was offering to help) had to
get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off
of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the damn dog in
his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all
over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home
and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner
at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today
(Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has
had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume.

I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked
yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come
to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for
later would not be a bad idea.

Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to "How to clean unbaked
dough from the Carpet."

And how was your Day?

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